


Virtues

by Skeptikitten



Category: Bleach
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, M/M, Philosophy, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2120250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skeptikitten/pseuds/Skeptikitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A five-shot of shorts on Renji's emotional progression in regards to his best friend.  Companion to “Stages”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Virtue: Sat

**Author's Note:**

> This story is meant to be set during the same time periods as each chapter in “Stages”, only from Renji's point of view rather than Ichigo's. The title of this story and each chapter comes from the five fundamental virtues that a human must develop in order to reach “Mukti” (oneness with “god”) in the Sikh religion. While not a religious person myself, I feel these virtues not only are essential to the human spirit but make a perfect counterpoint to the stages of grief in “Stages”.
> 
>  
> 
> The first virtue, Sat, is the virtue of truthful living, which means practicing "righteousness, honesty, justice, impartiality and fair play."

Contrary to popular opinion, Abarai Renji was not a stupid man.

Stubborn, yes. Impulsive, yes. Unrefined, _hell_ yes. Unintelligent, no. Escaping his origins as an Inuzuri street rat was seemingly impossible in an organization obsessed with class, rank, and nobility; because of those origins, people made certain assumptions about Renji's character that were flagrantly untrue. He had been in the advanced class at the Academy, reserved for those students with the highest scores on entry exams. He had top marks in history and military strategy, in zanjutsu and hohō- managing shikai long before most of his classmates and rudimentary shunpo before graduation. While he might suck at kido, it wasn't for lack of knowledge; rather, it seemed that the necessity of refined reiatsu control and regulation for the techniques were in direct opposition to not only his fighting style but his temperament. 

Renji made it a point to be honest and straight-forward in all things, and therein lie the problem of his reputation. The Seireitei was dominated by repressed nobles who _never_ said what they were actually thinking and couched everything in veiled terms and hidden symbols. Byakuya was a prime example, and it had taken Renji _ages_ to get how his twisted mind worked. So a man who was loud and opinionated, of rough manners and even rougher speech, was pegged as inferior. Didn't matter to Renji- like his classmates Momo and Izuru, Renji achieved the rank of lieutenant at an incredibly young age and under the most rigorous and demanding captain in the Gotei 13. He could already manifest Zabimaru outside his inner world, sharing a closeness with his zanpakuto that was rare and precious; he felt sure bankai was within his reach sooner than he had hoped. With his every achievement, he intended to prove that resolve and strength were far more important than class.

And then Kurosaki Ichigo burst into his world and Renji's honesty was taxed to the limit. His fury at this _child_ that stole Rukia's powers knew no bounds, but he also had to admit that the boy showed unbelievable strength and will for a human. If he weren't so angry, Renji would have actually respected these traits, recognized a kindred spirit in them. He had only lied once in his life- to Rukia, when he told her that he was happy at her adoption into the Kuchiki clan- but as he opened the senkaimon to return to the Seireitei, he lied to _himself_ for the first time. He told himself that his rage had nothing to do with the pained, pleading affection Rukia had aimed at the boy despite her callous words; that Ichigo Kurosaki meant nothing to Rukia Kuchiki and never would. 

He was such a fool; he paid for his self-denial and cowardice in blood, under the sword of the man-child who caused it in the first place. For a century, his world had revolved around two things and two things only: Kuchiki Rukia and Kuchiki Byakuya. Then came Ichigo and his monstrous cleaver of a zanpakuto, cutting straight through the foundations upon which he had built his life. He knew it was absurd, the request he made of the ryoka as he clutched his shihakusho in crimson fingers. Their fight had left Ichigo barely standing, the boy's legs trembling just with the effort of standing upright. But even in death (or so he thought) Renji was honest to a fault, and could not help letting Ichigo know the hope that mingled with the surprise that was Getsuga Tensho. He was unsurprised to regain consciousness in prison- Byakuya was a stone cold fucker, rules before all else. Zabimaru had wanted to go right after Ichigo, but that was just the demon nature of his soul rising up to the fore as it always did when he was on the cusp of losing everything. Renji's head- and his heart, truth be told- knew the true path that lay before him. He might be an Inuzuri mutt, but dogs are all about the pack. In his desperation to prove his worth Renji had forgotten, and he owed Ichigo for that.

Zabi had led him right to Ichigo's little hideout, and he had to admit it was gratifying to see the boy's surprise and reluctant admiration that Renji could manifest his zanpakuto unaided. Even Lady Yoruichi (and wasn't that a kick in the teeth- that the kid had the likes of Urahara Kisuke and Shihouin Yoruichi as tutors!) had been impressed enough to let him stay and train, and share in the healing springs in the cavern. The latter seemed to cause Ichigo some concern, the ryoka's face flushing scarlet and trying to look anywhere but Renji's body; he failed miserably, as he also seemed to be utterly fascinated with his ink.  
“Ain't there public baths in the human world?” Renji asked, balancing his elbows on the ledge of the pool and tipping his head back to wet his hair. “Cause ya seem a bit flustered.”  
“Yeah, I just don't use them much, okay? Sick of people cracking jokes about the carpet matching the drapes,” the boy snapped. He motioned to Renji's floating strands with his chin. “Of all people, you probably get that, huh?”  
Renji laughed, combing his hair out and pulling it into a damp braid. “Some, yeah. There's a few other officers with odd hair color, but most of them were born in the ring, so no one gives them any shit.”  
“The ring?”  
“Inside the walls. They ain't from the Rukongai- they're the so-called 'pure souls', born here. The rest of us were humans or demons or Hollows and died before ending up in the districts.”  
“So?”  
Renji couldn't manage to cover his surprise. “Man, didn't Rukia tell ya about how this place works? All that shit about human spirits going to a 'better place to be with their loved ones'- yeah, that's bullshit. You get assigned to the districts of the Rukon when yer spirit crosses over- the higher the district number, the worse of a shithole you're in. Rukia and me, we're from Inuzuri, the 78th. Only district worse than that pit is Zaraki. She doesn't get the crap I do cause she got adopted by the noble fuckin' Kuchiki clan. But me? To anyone that counts in the Seireitei, I'm slum trash.”  
“You must have great potential, to come so far so quickly.”  
“Yoruichi!” Ichigo sputtered, ducking low under the water. “What did I say about not coming in here!”  
“You're such a prude, Ichigo,” Yoruichi laughed, splashing the boy and Renji while she was at it. “Isn't he just adorable, Red?”  
Renji grinned at Ichigo's attempt to cross his legs under water, and in appreciation for Yoruichi's fabulous rack. “He's a cute one. The babes in the court guard would eat him alive. Yumichika too, for that matter.”  
“Ayesagawa? The fairy that hangs out with Madarame Ikkaku?”  
“That's the one. He likes 'em feisty.”  
“Teme!” Ichigo yelled. Then a horrified look crossed his face. “Wait- that dude with the black hair and the feathered eyelashes? Was he _hitting on me?_ ”  
Renji couldn't help laughing again, tousling Ichigo's spiky locks. “Take it as a compliment, kid. Yumi's got the highest standards in the Seireitei.” His eyes slid to Lady Yoruichi. “More than bein' cute though, ain't it? This kid's not just some human. Ain't no regular human, no matter how big of a pair he's got, could get this close to bankai in a few months or tangle with the likes of the Kenpachi,” Renji frowned at Ichigo's sudden confused face. “What are you, anyway?”  
“What do you mean, what am I? I'm human.”  
Renji knew he should quit now, between the kid's bafflement and Yoruichi's suddenly fierce look, but there was something just not on about this situation and he was all about fair play. “Taicho severed yer Soul Chain. Ya shouldn't have been able ta get back shinigami powers. Ya shouldn't even be able ta sense spirits any more. Not unless ya got somethin' else in ya from the start.”  
“What do you- ow! Shit, Yoruichi!”  
The woman was gone, a grumpy black cat now sitting on the edge of the pool, claws extended.  
“Break's over,” she replied in a creepily deep voice. “Back to work, you slackers.”  
“But-”  
One more swipe of a dark paw and Ichigo went, grumbling all the way. She smacked Renji on the head for good measure too.  
“Shut it, Abarai. It's not time for Ichigo to know where he comes from yet. It's too much for him at this stage, and he's got other things to concentrate on. I can't have him breaking under some existential crisis about who he is right now.”  
“But-”  
Swipe.  
“I said, shut it.” The cat padded closer to Renji, now licking the wound on his hand. “I can see you're an honest man. And that may be your greatest weakness in the sort of complicated game being played out here. It's Ichigo's weakness too, but you have at least a century more experience and if you've hauled yourself out of Inuzuri you know about when to keep quiet.”  
Renji's eyes wandered back to the boy once more running full tilt in the field of swords, fighting his own zanpakuto for dominance. _Fifteen. Just fifteen and he's got this kind of shit shoved on him in just a few months. Doesn't even know what he is, learning under two masters keeping him out of the loop because a weapon's no good if it breaks. Shit._ His heart, so carefully guarded since childhood, opened up just a crack for the boy.  
“All right, Lady Yoruichi. This dog can learn some new tricks, and knows when not to yap at the moon.”

Renji was a man of his word, and kept his own counsel on Ichigo's origins even when questioned by his own captain on the matter. Apparently he and Ichigo had given the impression of a strong friendship, as he was assigned to the human world with Rukia shortly after. Yamamoto had even called Renji to his office in private, asking him to stay as close to the boy as possible and report back on any anomalies. It was then that Renji knew he'd probably never make captain- his loyalty to the Gotei 13 fought too much with his newfound loyalty to the crazy group of people Ichigo seemed to draw to himself as easily as breathing. He recognized Shiba the instant he saw him, aged gigai or no, yet kept his mouth shut. He saw Ichigo struggle with his Hollow when they sparred, yet reported nothing. And taunts about being a freeloader aside, Renji knew that Urahara was both confused and pleased by his pretense of ignorance as to the highly illegal nature of his shop- and those kids. 

“I must say, Abarai-fukutaicho, I am quite surprised by you,” Urahara remarked, fluttering his fan in front of his face. “You clearly aren't crafty enough to be sending coded missives to your superiors, yet your reports are quite mundane.”  
“What of it?” Renji shifted, testy in the August heat permeating the shoten and wondering if he should just hop over to the Kurosaki place to mooch off their air conditioning. Gigai _sucked._ “Your business ain't none of mine, and I was ordered to watch the kid not you.”  
The elder man's head tilted to the side like a demented owl. “I am sure that any of the others of your rank that they could have sent would not have seen it that way. Particularly since you are clearly being tested for loyalty after fighting your own captain in bankai during a declared war.”  
“Fuck that. I didn't bust my ass to get where I am just to roll over like a tame dog and betray my friends.”  
“Ah yes. You are becoming quite close to young Kurosaki, aren't you?”  
“What's that supposed ta mean?” Renji replied, his reiatsu spiking angrily for a moment before settling. “He's a good kid, and an even better fighter. I trust him at my back.”  
“Yoruichi tells me that you are from Inuzuri,” Urahara said, picking his words slowly and carefully. “If Ichigo has gained your trust, that says a great deal indeed. And you seem to have his, which says even more- Ichigo is an astute judge of character.” A wicked smile then. “Though I think the boy might be a bit infatuated with you as well so he might be biased.”  
“Wha?!”  
“Good grief, Freeloader-san! Has everyone noticed but you?”

Urahara had laughed his ass off at that, and Renji almost wrote it off as the man's insufferable teasing. Almost. He started to watch Ichigo with a greater scrutiny after that, and began to pick up clues that the bastard might be correct. Ichigo seemed to have no problems with public baths or swimming with the quincy or the big guy, but blushed all the way to the tips of his ears whenever Renji so much as removed his shirt. Those intense eyes, which Renji only now noticed were the color of melted chocolate, traced the lines of his tattoos over and over again. He lingered most often on the interlocking squares over his chest and the jagged stripes leading down towards his groin and ass, which was a pretty dead giveaway. And when Renji finally brought it up one day when they were in the healing spring at the shoten, Ichigo had traced the sharp lines with the reverent caress of a lover not the curious touch of a friend. Come to think of it, no one had ever touched Renji in such a manner and it left him unsure of how to deal with the situation. The boy was an innocent, no doubt of that, and just so _young_. Probably had some weird human hangups about other guys (though Rukia's manga collection seemed to indicate not all humans were opposed to two men together). It didn't even seem that Ichigo had figured it out himself yet, so Renji would hardly be fair if he brought it up. No point to that anyway- he sure as hell wasn't going to mess around with a kid. That would make him as bad as the fuckers in the 78th who thought they had a right to take advantage of anyone weaker. Ichigo didn't need that shit, or anything else to worry about on top of Aizen and his highly illegal Hollowfication problem. He'd keep this to himself and deflect anyone else who tried to point it out, for Ichigo's sake.

Yes, Abarai Renji was not a stupid man; he knew full well that honesty was not always the higher road.


	2. Second Virtue: Daya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The exercise of Daya, or compassion, involves "considering another's difficulty or sorrow as one's own and helping to relieve it as far as possible. Compassion also includes the overlooking of imperfections and mistakes of others, for to err is human."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should be pretty obvious from context, but just in case:   
> When Zabimaru speaks to Renji, this **“speech”** is the baboon, and this _“speech”_ is the snake-tail. Renji's inner monologue will still be _speech_.

“To err is human, to forgive divine.”

Renji favored Rukia with an incredulous look as they pulled on the cloaks Byakuya had gifted them for their trip to Hueco Mundo. “What?”

“It's something they taught us in school in the human world,” she continued. “The words of a poet. I thought at the time they were very intuitive, that perhaps the man had the sight. But if we're supposed to be more evolved than humans, I don't feel it today.” Rukia gave him a lopsided grin. “I really want to punch Ichigo in the face.”

“Me too,” he laughed. “And we're gonna. Then we're gonna forgive his stupid ass and fight to the death with him.”

“You got it. But I get first dibs.”

As his fist struck Ichigo across the right cheek, Renji knew he was right to forgive him no matter how much it stung that he hadn't trusted them to follow. Sure, he'd ditched to Hueco Mundo without waiting for him and Rukia, but the boy had more than enough experience in his short life being left to the big tasks alone. Ichigo Kurosaki definitely had trust issues, along with a heaping helping of teenage angst, rage, and impatience. As he helped the substitute regain his feet, Renji noticed the relief in those brown eyes and smiled. It was time for kicking ass not wounded pride, and no one could kick ass and take names like they could. Ichigo needed them, and more importantly he _wanted_ them by his side. That would have to do for now.

  
  


They were separated for most of the fight. Renji barely had enough time to meet his eyes across the crowd of Exequias hemming the other man in, but it was enough. “Go. I've got this.”

_Get going. Get the girl. Don't die, stupid. Come back or I'll kick your ass._

Ichigo seemed to understand him better than most, because he nodded fiercely, cheeks scarlet, before flashing to the towers after Ulquiorra. Renji had very little time to dwell on the protective worry that settled in his stomach, occupied on his own opponents. The Zero Espada, Yammy, did a hell of a number on him and he didn't even regain consciousness until long after Ichigo left with Unohana to go after Aizen. Even then he was too late- he arrived in Karakura after it was all over, taking in Ichigo's battered form with concern and relief. _He looks taller,_ he thought irrationally. _And beat to all shit. But he's safe, thank the fates. Alive._

He spoke too soon- Ichigo had only just noticed their presence before he seized up, screaming as he fell to the ground. Renji took off at a run, heart in his throat. The verdict was worse than any of them had imagined; Ichigo's final Getsuga Tensho stripped his powers from him. He would be unconscious for weeks and when he awoke...

Renji raged. Tore the training grounds of the shoten to pieces and screamed and snapped at anyone who dared get too close to him. One night, three weeks after Aizen's defeat, Zabimaru had enough and manifested as Renji sulked in the healing springs.

“ **Renji. This cannot continue**.”

Renji glared at the nue, who loomed over him from the side of the spring. “Shut up, Zabi.”

“ _No. We will not be silensssed. We are alive. We are ssstill sssstrong. And we must become ssstronger.”_

“Ganging up now?” Renji groused, turning his back to rest his chin on his folded arms. 

“ **Aizen is not dead, merely sealed. There will be more trouble**.”

“ _We can tasste it in the air.”_

“ **Your anger is misplaced.”**

“I said shut up,” he whispered. “I got a right to be pissed, because gods know the kid won't be when he wakes up. He'll just suck it up and take the hit for the team- and be miserable for the rest of his powerless life.”

“ **You grieve for him, because he will not.** ”

“I can't be there when he wakes up. Can't watch the look in those eyes when we fade from his sight.” Renji's breath hitched in his chest, his hand rubbing at his face. It came back wet with saline. Zabimaru curled up next to him on the pool's edge, his snake tail stroking Renji's shoulders and drawing his head to rest on huge paws. “Ichigo has always seen just _me._ Not some slum trash from Inuzuri. Not some hothead trying to reach above his station. Who the fuck will see me when he can't?”

“ _We will have to remember for him. We will be patient, and we will ssssee him again.”_

“ **We will be ready when we do- we will be stronger. He will be proud of us.** ”

Renji lifted his head in surprise at that. “Proud of us? What the fuck is he, our dad? We don't need him ta be proud of us.”

“ _No. But we wisssh it nonethelessss.”_

He shifted uncomfortably, burying his face in the soft white fur of Zabimaru's belly. His zanpakuto was a manifestation of his own soul. If Zabimaru wanted Ichigo's approval, that meant he did too- a ludicrous thing for an experienced lieutenant of the Gotei 13 to wish from a human child. Especially a child that would be an ordinary human soon.

“ **He is different. Worthy,** ” Zabimaru continued, resting his chin atop Renji's head so his breath fluttered loose hair. “ **We must forgive him for this foolish sacrifice. We would forgive him anything.** ”

“Anything?” Renji said in surprise. “We know better than to trust anyone that much.”

There was a ringing silence from the nue for several long minutes. The beast rose to his feet, tilting his head at Renji in contemplation before walking away. The snake could not resist a parting shot as they faded from sight.

“ _Do we?”_

  
  


Renji left for the Seireitei two days before Ichigo awoke. He dove obsessively into his work, trained within an inch of his life. He was even crazy enough to spar with Zaraki a few times, though Rukia and Byakuya both took great delight in laying into him for that one. He drank with Izuru, Rangiku, and Shuuhei. Took Shuuhei home more and more frequently. _Just going through the motions, waiting for any word that will bring him back to us._

Seventeen months after Aizen's defeat, Rukia and Renji were called to watch over Ichigo in the human world. A former substitute shinigami, a highly dangerous and wanted man, had resurfaced and made contact with Ichigo. Their orders were simply to observe unnoticed, to only step in if Ichigo's life was in danger and to discover this Koga's plans for their boy. Urahara called them back to the shoten at exactly the wrong time, Ichigo getting dragged into a fight for his life while they retrieved the instrument of his rebirth. Renji was more than happy to pump his own reiatsu into that sword, trying to push everything that he could never say into that energy. As Rukia plunged the blade through Ichigo's chest, Renji could feel a phantom pulse of reiatsu through his own heart; their boy was back. _His_ boy was back. 

The Xcution affair was dealt with quite quickly once Ichigo regained his strength, but the peace did not last very long before the invasion of the Seireitei by the Wandenreich. Shinigami were being slaughtered en masse, the captains prevented from using their bankai lest the technique be stolen. Renji himself was ambushed by one of the so-called “Sternritter”, blacking out almost immediately. There were vague impressions of pain, of Unohana's calm voice, and the feel of Ichigo's reiatsu- but all seemed far off, as if Renji was feeling them from under a deep bank of snow. When he regained consciousness, he found himself in a healing springs rather like Urahara's accompanied by Ichigo and a man with what was possibly the most ludicrous hairstyle he'd ever seen. It seemed he, Rukia, and Byakuya were so damaged that they could only be healed properly in the dimension of the Soul King, but the Demon of the Hot Springs himself. Renji couldn't help but feel a bit smug that he was considered strong enough to be worth that effort. In contrast, Ichigo seemed more self-deprecating than ever. He began to suspect why at Ōetsu's palace. Renji had often wondered how Ichigo could have a zanpakuto at all, since the blades were given to Academy students blank or in some cases (the majority of the 11th came to mind) by stealing the zanpakuto of a fallen shinigami. Ichigo's had simply appeared when Rukia transferred her powers. The crazy sword-master's speech on asauchi confirmed Renji's suspicions in full; Ichigo's sword was not a true zanpakuto at all. He may have bothered to comment on it, if he hadn't seen his own heartbreak at the shattering of Zabimaru reflected in his nakama's eyes. _He's relied on Zangetsu too much- just as I've relied on Zabimaru too much. We have to get back our reason for fighting on our own, before we'll be worthy of them again._

  


“Hey, Ren,” Ichigo began, kicking the nearest spirit in the face while throwing an elbow at the one behind. They'd been cracking asauchi skulls in silence for several hours now, and Renji had wondered when Ichigo was finally going to spit out what was eating him. “I need to ask you something that's been bothering me.”

Renji swept his left foot low under one of his opponents, jumping up to deliver a right cross to the next. His mouth pulled down severaly at the corners as he growled at his friend. “If ya try ta say I shouldn't be doin' this because I was a little fucked up before, I'm going to kick you in the nads.”

“Like to see you try it, fucker,” Ichigo replied, sticking out his tongue. Renji snapped his teeth at him as if to bite it. “But that's not what I meant.” He laid out two more asauchi with the same drop-heel kick Isshin had aimed at Renji's own head last time he visited. Wacky bastard had started attacking Ichigo's friends lately just to “keep them on their toes”.

“I want to know why you and Rukia never tried to see me or talk to me all that time I had no powers.”

Renji stopped cold, taking a hit to the stomach in his surprise. _Seriously? The kid is gonna yammer on about bein' lonely now, for fuck's sake?_

“Are ya fuckin' kiddin' me, Ichigo?” Renji coughed, holding his ribs and favoring him with the most scathing look in his repertoire. “We're in this stupid pit, fightin' for the chance to get our zanpakuto back, and ya wanna play jilted girlfriend?”

“You son of a-”

_Shit. Calm down, ya stupid ape_ , Renji reprimanded himself. _Of course he'd wanna know. Ain't had time to talk since he got his powers back, and it musta burned to lose everything he'd come to rely on all at once. Be the bigger man, here._

“Damn, sometimes I forget how young ya are.” Renji spun quickly, clotheslining three asauchi that tried to sneak up from behind and head butting a fourth. His Inuzuri roots were actually coming in handy for once, the down and dirty street fighting he'd been famous for in the 78th coming back as naturally as breathing. Ichigo was watching him with avid eyes that made Renji burn hot and cold all at once. He'd known the kid had a bit of a crush on him, known he was attracted to Renji physically. But this was more than just a teenage fascination- those warm brown eyes he was used to were darkened nearly to black with a _very_ adult portion of lust. Worse still, that desire rolling through Ichigo's reiatsu twisted tendrils into his own, making it near impossible to ignore that Ichigo had become an incredibly alluring specimen in the last two years. _Double shit. No fucking around with impressionable kids. No fucking around with impressionable kids._ Renji searched in desperation for any reply that would throw some cold water on the situation without hurting his friend's feelings further.

“Wouldn't have been fair to ya.”

Judging by Ichigo's dumbfounded expression, that was the last thing he was expecting the older man to say. “What?”

Sick of shouting, Renji waded through the press of bodies with elbows flying, placing himself back to back with Ichigo in the universal defense position. He shook his ponytail out of his face as he considered his words, drawing another spike of lust in Ichigo's reiatsu and a shudder in his body. _Gods, the kid is sensitive. No, bad Renji! Focus!_

“All we woulda been was a reminder of what ya lost. Everything we coulda talked about- everyone we would have stories about- woulda just rubbed salt in the wound, yeah? Even if we weren't ordered ta leave ya alone- and we were- Rukia and me never coulda kept it from ya that Urahara and Kurotsuchi were lookin' for a way to get yer powers back. We didn't want ta get yer hopes up if nothin' came from it. Woulda been damn cruel.”

The asauchi were circling them warily now, a few testing the limits of their reach only to be beaten back with increasingly brutal punches and kicks. Renji turned his head just enough to catch Ichigo's profile and grinned. “Plus, time don't mean the same ta us, Ichi. In a few decades at most, you'd be right back with us.” Ichigo's sheepish “oh...duh” face prompted a hearty laugh as he gleefully kneecapped one spirit and kicked another between the legs. _Duh yourself, Renji. No balls on these things._ “Huh. Guess that don't work so hot on blank souls, eh? Anyway, I'll bet if he couldn't figure out how to get yer powers back, Urahara'd have just shoved you in front of a car or somethin'. He seems like a sore loser.”

Ichigo smiled back at him, but it seemed a bit thin. Something was still not sitting right with the boy, but he hardly had time to coddle Ichigo through it. They were here for a reason, and they needed to get down to it. Further, Renji wasn't sure Ichigo _could_ pass Ōetsu's test. As far as Renji knew, Ichigo still had no idea of his father's identity beyond _oh hey, he's a shinigami too_ and no true zanpakuto. There was something missing, and Renji wasn't sure how and where Ichigo was going to find it.

  


Renji had his own issues to contend with after Ōetsu sent Ichigo back to the human world, including the revelation that Zabimaru hadn't shared his true bankai with him. He had faith that Ichigo would make it back better than ever before the final battle, and launched back into the fray safe in this belief. Until he left the Soul King's realm, he had not realized how much stronger his own reiatsu had become but comparing it to the other shinigami now he could see that he had a distinct advantage. He was going to give the Sternritter hell, and pave Ichigo's way as best he could.

  


It was enough, and yet not enough. The Wandenreich was defeated, Yhwach dead at Ichigo and Uryu's hands- but the Seireitei was in shambles and the ranks of the Gotei 13 decimated to around one quarter of their usual numbers. The reconstruction's estimated cost was unfathomable, and there was talk about an accelerated Academy program to swell the ranks as soon as possible. A full four captaincy positions were vacant with Muguruma, Otoribashi, and Unohana dead and Kyouraku reassigned to the First Division as head captain. And Ichigo- defeater of Aizen, hero of the Quincy Wars- was sent home with a Genrei Reiin for his troubles while his fate was deliberated in a committee. _Too powerful for the human world they say,_ thought Renji in disgust. _A magnet for any predator of reiatsu or power mad creature that could sense him_. _Gods, we're a bunch of ingrates. Thanks for saving our collective ass, kid- now go home and sit on your thumbs while we decide whether or not to kill you._ He and Rukia visited Karakura as often as they could slip away in the weeks that followed, keeping Ichigo updated as best they could and sharing any good news that would help keep his mind off his own nebulous future. Renji had hoped that his own news could at least break the funk Ichigo had fallen into, but he hadn't anticipated _how_.

  


  


“Captain? They actually made _you_ a captain?” Ichigo laughed. Renji had burst in through his window ( _to piss Ichigo off, naturally- he knew how to use the door_ ), scattering some schoolbooks all over the floor. The wide grin on the substitute's face made it clear his words were just a tease. “I know there's quite a few empty slots, but what was Kyouraku-sotaicho thinking?”

“Oi! I passed the test with flying colors, you bastard!” Renji said, punching Ichigo in the shoulder. “I'm the _only_ lieutenant that could- I've got mastery of bankai and zanjustsu and I'm a shunpo expert, just like you yer highness.” He threw himself backwards onto Ichigo's bed, his hair flying into his eyes and mouth. _Damn it, keep forgetting it's so long now._ The bed smelled of rain on pavement and night air- Ichigo's scent _. That should not be sexy. Remember he's a kid, Renji._ “After our time in the Soul King's realm, I'm stronger than a lot of the sitting captains anyway.”

“Better not let Rukia hear you say that.”

“She knows she ain't got the strength to be a captain. With Sasakibe gone, she's the only one that has bankai- but hers is way too dangerous and leaves her too vulnerable to be use in any battle but a one on one. She also doesn't have the leadership experience. She's only been a lieutenant for a couple years, and wasn't even seated before that.”

“What about your precious _Shuuhei-senpai_? From the way you talk about him, you'd think the sun rose and set on him. Not good enough for captain, is he?”

Renji's sat up again, confused. Ichigo had a deep frown furrowing his brows and a tone in his voice that if he didn't know better, Renji would say was jealousy.  _ He's just on edge from waiting for the news. Give him a break. _

“Shuuhei? Ichi, he doesn't have bankai- hates his shikai even. He'd never pass,” Renji sighed, picking up the stuffed animal that used to house Kon from his pillow and pretending to pummel it. “Only two other ways to make captain besides the test. One is to get six sitting captains ta recommend ya and three more ta approve- and with four empty seats including the one I'm fillin', that would mean unanimous approval. Ain't no one ever goin' to get unanimous approval from so many different personalities. The other o' course is to kill the sitting captain, but no one except those crazy fucks in 11 kill for the rank.”

Renji was shoved unceremoniously over so that Ichigo could drop into the pillows himself. The younger man's cheekbones had a splash of pink across them that was quite uncharacteristic.

“Can't manage the whole set, eh? Guess he's not quite as awesome as you make him out to be. Pretty convenient that he'll be _your_ lieutenant now though, huh?”

“What the hell is that supposed ta mean?” Renji shouted, grabbing Ichigo's shirtfront and dragging him upright again to stare into dark, furious eyes. _He IS jealous. What the hell?_ “Dunno what yer problem is, Ichi, but ya sound like a jealous bitch. We're supposed ta be nakama. Thought ya'd be happy for me, ya ass!”

He couldn't help running. Renji knew that he should be more compassionate- Ichigo's life was hanging in the balance while the Central 46 dragged their debate out for weeks. He'd be pissy too in Ichigo's shoes. 

“ **We expected him to be happy. Proud. Of course we are upset.** ”

“Shut up, Zabimaru,” Renji huffed, making his way to Urahara shoten. He'd just go back home for a bit to cool down, then come and talk once Ichigo had a chance to do the same. 

“ _He isss upssset about the ssscythe-wielder, not our promotion.”_

“The fuck he'd be upset about Shuuhei for? Ain't got nothin' ta do with him.”

A weirdly doubled chuckle reverberated through his mind. 

“ **Your unconscious mind knows. Open your eyes, Renji.** ”

The presence of the nue retreated back into his inner world, the demon ignoring any further conversation. “Cryptic, mouthy bastard.”

Renji was so engrossed with his zanpakuto that he never noticed Ichigo catching up to him until the boy grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the roof of the shoten.

  


“Sit, would ya?” Ichigo asked, doubled over a bit to catch his breath. Renji raised an eyebrow- did Ichigo really use that much energy in shunpo just to catch him and yell at him some more? “Come on, Ren, sit down.” 

Renji sat stiffly on the ridgepole, feeling his shoulders and back lock with the anticipatory tension.

“I didn't mean...I don't think that you...damn it,” Ichigo stuttered. _He's trying to apologize. He's just as shitty at it as I am._ He felt more than saw the boy's head thunk onto his shoulder in defeat. “I am happy for you, Ren,” Ichigo whispered. “I know you're capable. I don't know what the fuck my problem is.”

Renji sighed, irritation melting as usual. He simply could  _not_ stay angry with Ichigo for long. He threw one arm around the slender shoulders of his friend, accepting the apology without words.  _“_ It sounds like you're jealous that people ya know you're stronger than outrank your ass, is what it sounds like.” Ichigo mumbled into his shirt, but scooted slightly closer to Renji's side.  _Gods. Poor fuckin' kid. Maybe I shouldn't have told him until after the ruling._ “And I know this wait is killin' ya. I probably shoulda kept this to myself until we knew what they decide for ya, but I didn't want ya to find out from someone else.” Ichigo was staring incredulously at him. Either the kid was surprised that Renji forgave him so easily, or he had something weird on his face. He heard a cough from his zanpakuto that sounded suspiciously like the word  _denial_ . “And what the hell's yer problem with Shuuhei anyway? Ya barely know him. He's a good fighter, an' a good man.”

“Just rubs me the wrong way, I guess. Who the fuck tattoos '69' on his face anyway, the perv?”

Renji frowned again, fingertips biting into Ichigo's bicep reflexively. He didn't let anyone mock his friends in seriousness- not even his other friends. “It's for Muguruma. He had the same ink, and saved Shuuhei as a kid. It's why he became a shinigami. Thought ya'd have seen the tattoo, him bein' another vizard and all.” Renji let out a heaving breath, tired of the ridiculousness of the entire conversation. _Shoulda just been some simple news, but nothin's simple with Ichigo._ “Ya don't have ta like Shuuhei, Ichi, but you should get used ta him. Senpai and I have a soldier's arrangement, ya know, so he'll be around when ya visit the seireitei.”

“Soldier's arrangement? What the fuck does that mean?”

Renji's irritation was subsumed in a sudden wave of amusement. “Man, you sure are innocent. How do ya humans put it? We're...'fuck buddies'. Lots o' the seated officers have 'em, to deal with the stress and the nightmares.”

“Holy shit, you guys are sleeping together?” Ichigo jolted upright, looking for all the world like someone who had been slapped in the face. “Just like that, so casual?”

“Ya really _are_ naïve, Ichi,” Renji said, smoothing his ponytail. He could sense Zabimaru coming to the fore again, a rush of dark humor and warning.

“ **You had best explain. The boy thinks Hisagi is your lover.** ”

“ _His jealousssy isss flattering, but will make trouble. Reasssure him.”_

_Nosy fucks. Like it's Ichigo's business whether or not I have a lover in the first place. I should really shut this...this infatuation of his down while I still can, for his sake. Kid doesn't know what it means to want someone with scars like mine._ “No, don't get all pissy either. It's probably better ya are- means you ain't all fucked in the head like we are. Shuuhei and me, we grew up in the Rukon. Ain't no time for pretty dreams like love or marriage when you're freezin' and starvin' and no one gives a shit. If ya get lucky enough not to get raped or turn ta the whorehouses to make enough ta eat, ya tend ta start doin' it as soon as ya old enough fer comfort. Then I was in the Academy and an officer after that, and ya spend decades slayin' monsters fer a livin' and seein' so many die. Love is a luxury ya just don't have. The nobles ain't no different, either- they just have different circumstances trappin' _them._ Got ta get married to just the right noble, have just the right kids. Get just the right seat in just the right division. No fuckin' around with slum trash like me.” Renji could feel his lips twisting cynically. He remembered the look in Kuchiki Byakuya's eyes after the one time they slept together, back when he first joined the Sixth; disgust at having given in to such “base urges” as he put it, and with someone “utterly unsuitable”. They had come a long way since then, built a mutual respect and even a tentative friendship, but Renji would never forget that the man had (and still did, if those possessive glares at Ichigo were any indication) wanted him but felt the circumstances of his birth were more important. A sudden hard yank on his hair made him yelp, jolting him out of his funk.

“Fuck that, Renji,” Ichigo snapped. 

“What the fuck's that for, ya jackass?”

“Fuck that shit. You got time for anything you want to have time for- love or marriage or kids or all that shit if you want it. You're supposed to kick ass and take names, fucker.”

Renji blinked hard a few times, utterly poleaxed. Ichigo's entire face was as red as his namesake, but his eyes were burning with determination. _Well fuck. That didn't put him off at all. Now the little bastard wants ta 'save me'._ He barked a laugh and butted his head gently against the other's. “Fuck off, Ichi. Ya sound like one o' them girly magazine articles Orihime and Rukia like to read.”

“ _Teme!_ ”

The resulting brawl was enough to distract them both...for a while, anyway. 

  


  


Renji stared at Kyouraku-sotaicho, for once in his life completely speechless. The look on the head captain's face was a bizarre cross between anger and sadness as he wordlessly slid the verdict of the Central 46 across the table. Sure enough, their deliberations had been halted by an edict from the Soul King himself; Ichigo must die and leave his human life behind. His reiatsu, poorly controlled at the best of times, actually destabilized the fabric of the worlds. Just by existing, Ichigo drew in all manner of creatures and thinned the barriers between the realms, and the Soul King had ruled that this could not continue. Ichigo could continue to serve the Seireitei as a shinigami once his human life was severed. _Yeah. I'm sure he'll thank them for that._

“We would like you and Kuchiki-fukutaicho to deliver this news,” Kyouraku sighed. “And for _you_ to do what needs to be done.”

“Do what...are ya orderin' me ta kill my best friend?”

The head captain's eyes were sorrowful but also implacable. “It's because of your relationship that we chose you. Kurosaki-kun's self-preservation instincts are incredibly strong, and his inner Hollow makes actually killing him doubly difficult.” The man sighed, sliding down into his seat and dropping his forehead to tented fingers. For once, the bowl of sake at his elbow lay untouched. “He trusts you, Abarai-taicho- he has trusted you with his life many times over these years and we believe he will trust you with his death.”

Renji's guts churned unpleasantly. He knew the captain had a point. Ichigo's Hollow would fight like hell to keep his partner alive and kicking. The only way to kill the boy would be to take him utterly by surprise or for him to allow it. _And would I trust this to anyone else? Rukia, maybe. But she'd never be able to do it, or forgive herself afterwards. Of course it has to be me. What's one more horror on my conscience? Fuck._

“Understood, Kyouraku-sotaicho.”

He bowed low and turned to the door, letters in hand, intending to flash to the 13 th to collect Rukia. Kyouraku's somber voice halted him in the archway.

“And Abarai-taicho? I really am sorry.”

  


  


Ichigo's eyes were blank and shuttered as he read the official letter, his left fist clenched so tightly at his side that Renji could see blood starting to drip through his fingers. He shared a helpless look with Rukia over the boy's head. She reached out a tentative hand to rest at Ichigo's elbow. 

“They were split pretty evenly, and most of the captains fought for your life,” she sighed. “Kyouraku-sotaicho was so against this that the tide was turning...until Hyōsube Ichibei himself delivered a letter from the Soul King. He personally commanded this, Ichigo. There's no recourse.”

“It won't take long, Ichigo,” Renji said softly, his formal voice deadening all traces of his Rukon accent. _I can't be his friend delivering this news. Don't want him to associate me with this at all._ “Your Gentei Reiin had another seal under it, one that will make sure you rise a shinigami with all your powers and memories intact. I...” _Oh gods. I have to kill him, and I have to ask him to trust me while I do it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. “_ I'll make it quick and painless. I swear. But you're going to have to relax your control of your Hollow enough to let it happen.”

Ichigo stood there in his small back yard for several long minutes, a riot of emotions flickering over his face. The substitute ( _but only for a little while longer, then no substitute about it)_ stared at his own hands, the shaking in his long, sword-calloused fingers betraying his shock. Those wide chocolate eyes met Renji's own and seemed to soften for a moment, that now-familiar blush spreading across the kid's cheeks. Renji tried for a reassuring smile, reaching out a hand towards Ichigo's shoulder, but it never landed. Shaking his head in denial, Ichigo let out a primal growl and slammed himself out of his body, launching at Renji with Zangetsu in each hand.  _Shit._

Leaving Rukia to catch Ichigo's empty form, Renji called Zabimaru and met Ichigo's strokes with a ringing of steel that echoed harshly in the night air. Ichigo was attacking without thought, lashing out with all of his rage and pain, and Renji was hard pressed just to lead him away from populated areas. His heart was heavy with worry and regret, completely unable to feel any of the thrill that usually suffused his very being when he and Ichigo crossed blades. There was none of their playful banter or good natured challenge in this fight. _He needs an outlet to work this through. I'll be that for him, always._

“ **Zangetsu is crying out.”**

Renji almost faltered in surprise. Zabimaru rarely spoke to him during battle, relying instead on their innate connection to guide Renji's arm. _What do you mean?_

“ _We can hear them- the boy'ssss ssssoul halvesss. They are calling to usss.”_

As far as he knew, it was unheard of for zanpakuto to communicate with each other. Renji hadn't even known they could. _What are they saying?_

“ **They wish us to end this.** ”

“ _They underssstand. They are ready. But the boy himssself hasss not yet let go.”_

Renji frowned, meeting Ichigo's furious gaze as they disengaged. The younger man had stopped to stare at the riverbank in surprise.  _Oh shit. This is where his mother..._

Tears streaked down Ichigo's face- the only ones Renji had ever seen there in nearly three years of knowing him. A thin scream rent the air.

“Bankai! Tensa Zangetsu!”

“Shit,” Renji cursed. “Bankai! Sōō Zabimaru!”

Ichigo was on him practically before the change had ended, his blade blocking both of Ichigo's and forcing their faces close together as their muscles strained against each other. Ichigo's eyes were suffused with gold, his inner Hollow close to the surface. The two of them had always managed to communicate well without words, and Renji tried to put everything he was feeling plain on his face.  _ I understand. I'll take everything you have, if it means you come out whole on the other end of this. I'll be there with you- nakama to the end. _

With an indignant howl of rage, Ichigo ripped away. “Getsuga Tensho!” The dark, red-tinged energy cross tore through the still night, and Renji glanced behind him quickly to see an apartment complex.  _Well, shit. Can't dodge, or we'll have human casualties._ In a frozen moment, he could see Ichigo come back to himself as he realized his mistake. The horror on the boy's face would be almost comical in any other situation, and Ichigo stretched a hand towards Renji in denial.

“ _Call on me!”_

Renji felt his lips twist a bit into a sad half-smile. “Hihio.”

The familiar skeletal snake of his old bankai form roared into existence, and he flicked his arm to wrap it around hiimself like a shield. A horrible shriek of clashing reiatsu rent the stillness of the night, as bamboo bone segments rained down to the grass before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.  _Ichigo._

He was on his stunned friend before the boy even realized that Renji was unharmed, arms wrapping around the slighter form to ease him to the riverbank. Ichigo broke, weeping with great heaving sobs of breath that tore at Renji's heart. Gently he pulled Ichigo's body into his lap, tucking his head under Renji's chin and stroking through his spiky hair with long, soothing tugs. Ichigo instinctively curled into his chest, and Renji draped his captain's haori around the younger man with a tenderness that surprised himself. He lay his cheek on the crown of Ichigo's head, breathing in rain and the night, and let him cry it out.

“ **Zangetsu is quiet now.** ”

_Good._

“ _We are the only onessss the boy would allow to sssee him thisss weak.”_ Renji nearly snorted at the smugness in the snake's tone, and the possessiveness. “ _He isss oursss. Why sssshould we not guard what issss oursss?”_

_He's not 'ours'. Ichigo is his own, and not for us to be messing about with._

“ **Zangetsu reached us. Do you not understand?** ”

_Shut up, Zabi._

“ **Fools. The both of you- fools.** ”

Ichigo was regaining his senses in Renji's arms, flushing a deep crimson and trying to half-heartedly pull himself away. 

“It's okay, Ichi, It's okay,” Renji soothed, letting his voice soften to as calming of a tone as he could manage. “It's gonna be okay. Ain't nobody to be strong for here, and ain't nobody gonna know. It's just me. Just me- so let it out. Cry if ya need to. Ain't gonna think no less o' ya.” Without thinking, Renji placed a fierce kiss on Ichigo's forehead. “You take all the time ya need.”

Ichigo yielded for once and stayed in Renji's arms until the sun came up and his body stopped shaking. Renji rambled on about anything he could think of, knowing that what he would want in Ichigo's place was a distraction from his moment of weakness. He promised he'd protect Ichigo's family himself if need be, ask Kyouraku-sotaicho to bend the rules and allow Ichigo's family and friends to visit him in the Seireitei. Promised Rukia was on her way right now to let them all know, so that they would have time to say goodbye. Promised he could stay in Renji's ludicrously huge captain's quarters in Ninth Division until he got on his feet; described the place in detail so Ichigo would know that it was offered freely, though his more sensible mind was telling him that it would be a bad idea to let a boy with such an obvious crush on him live in his home. His zanpakuto, however, thoroughly approved of the plan. He promised that he and Rukia would be there for Ichigo every step of the way, always. In those quiet hours, Renji could feel the anger finally draining out of Ichigo's body and spirit. It was in those quiet hours, seeing Ichigo's rapt attention to his words, that Renji finally realized what Zabimaru had meant; Ichigo wasn't just infatuated, he was in love with Renji. _Damn._

  


Renji carried him home, only releasing Ichigo once his house was in sight. Rukia had indeed gathered Orihime, Chad, Uryu, Tatsuki, Keigo, and Mitsuiro to say their goodbyes; Ichigo looked a bit uncomfortable at all the tears and hugs directed his way. Even Uryu had pressed their foreheads together, one hand on the back of Ichigo's neck, and whispered urgently to the substitute. Probably a vow to care for Orihime, since Ichigo was the only thickhead that hadn't noticed the quincy's interest in the girl. Renji sighed, staring down at his hands and wondering what the hell he'd done in his mortal life to deserve being saddled with the killing of his best friend. 

“You take care of my boy, Abarai.”

Startled, Renji lifted his eyes to meet the stern gaze of Isshin Shiba. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, realizing it probably made him look like a moronic fish. 

“You're a bit obtuse, so you may not have realized how Ichigo feels about you,” the man continued, pitching his voice low enough for no one else to hear. “He tore himself apart over you when he lost his powers.”

“I had no choice.”

Isshin smiled crookedly, scrubbing his hand over his stubble. “I know. My Ichigo has an instinctive ability to judge character- and he trusts you. So I'm going to do the same. _Take care of my boy.”_

Renji had never realized until that moment that Ichigo had Isshin's eyes, their cinnamon depths beautiful in their resolve.

“You didn't even need ta ask. We're _nakama_ , Ichigo an' me. I'll have his back til I'm dead.” 

The former captain's face radiated approval before Ichigo claimed him for his own goodbyes. 

  


Renji led him back to the riverbank. Ichigo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Talkin' to Zangetsu, I'll bet._

“ **Yes. They are ready.** ”

“ _Are you?”_

Renji slipped the specially forged tanto from his belt, unbuttoning Ichigo's shirt and gathering all his courage as he rested the point on Ichigo's chest over his heart. The boy's skin dented slightly around the tip of the blade, a tiny trickle of blood slipping over the pectoral as his fingers shook. Renji's breath caught in his throat as Ichigo's amber eyes locked with his own. He smiled gently, placing his hands over Renji's on the hilt of the blade.

“Let's go home, Ren.”

_Home?_

“ **Where he belongs.** ”

“ _With usss.”_

Renji squeezed Ichigo's fingers, and drove the blade home.


End file.
